You Feel Anxiety All The Time While In The Relationship. I have to cook perfect dinners every single night. Yes it would cost money for him to do so, but those responsibilities could be outsourced. Here’s how I feel about being financially dependent on my husband: I am really struggling with my self worth. This blog is my story. I stepped into that position after saving for over a decade. Sponsored: The best dating/relationships advice on the web. Lets … It can weigh heavily on the spouse who works and the spouse who stays at home. When I left the workforce, I was completely aware of my marketable skills. Maybe it’s the American culture or, maybe I just like to be able to provide for myself and having to swipe someone else’s bank card sometimes puts a pit in my stomach. I just didn’t realize it at the time. My husband’s income was more than enough to cover all our bills and still invest a lot. And all those lovely expenses like rent, groceries, phone and hospital bills? It means swallowing (or force feeding yourself) a lot of pride. But research shows that financial abuse occurs just as frequently in unhealthy relationships as other forms of abuse. Required fields are marked *. Talk about a disaster. I quit college when I was only 12 credits away from receiving my degree when we had our baby, and I have never returned. I gave up my job to move to a different state to be with him. I’m being sort of tongue-in-cheek with this because I actually think there’s a lot wrong with capitalism and consumerism. ... Porsha Stewart, and her soon-to-be ex-husband, retired NFL star, Kordell Stewart. The ironic thing is, if I have to be gone for a few days & Roger is at home by himself I have heard him teasingly laughed at by both sides of our family. I was offered the position along with a slightly higher salary than my previous one. Hold on to those pockets of time to do something meaningful that could turn into a career down the road. Does this lackadaisical approach keep most stay-at-home parents financially dependent on their spouses? I am also a stay at home mom, and I think you forgot to mention that while yes, I am financially dependant on my husband, he depends on me for caring for our children and our home. The answers will depend on the reason why one spouse is dependent on the other. But the truth is, he never, ever sees our relationships this way so neither should I. My concept of identity is tightly intertwined with money. If wisely invested, that money could have grown to more than $3 million throughout my lifetime. I am stuck here wasting my life, knowing that when the children are grown I will have nothing to show for my time spent raising them–professionally speaking. Stay-at-home parents don’t need to invest the money, but they need to know that the money is invested. Am I selling out to an outdated, patriarchal setup by allowing my guy to be the main bread winner in our relationship? However, we’re in the new decade now. You’re a superhero for reading all of this whining. They don’t need to buy insurance, but they need to know that it has been purchased, etc. Everyone is valuable whether you stay home or not. It could take up to a year for us to be financially independent of one another. I’m sure I’d feel different if we didn’t. My skills at that time were up-to-date and in demand. It comes when I know we can pay our bills and credit cards. Thank you for your comment. It’s about talking through the weight of becoming financially dependent. There is no denying that fact. While there are certainly breadwinning women in the world and kudos to them, there are plenty of other women who could not support their current lifestyle entirely on their own. Yes, of course, it does. Shopping sprees with my own money are so much more fun. If I didn’t have $1 million in the bank before my son was born, I’m not sure I would have left my profession. I don't know the answers or how to soothe the sting of being financially dependent. When you think of domestic abuse, most likely the first thing that comes to mind is verbal abuse and physical assault. I have been contemplating returning to work even though I have been out of the workforce for 9 years. March 15, 2016 at 6:11 pm. The list goes on and on. Thank you so much for posting this. We also need to stress the importance of subjects like math and science and provide female role models to meet and aspire to become. She doesn’t need to work, but being financially dependent scares her,” says Susan Robinson*, an executive who lives in New Jersey. I am constantly trying out new business ideas (without any investment capital) and then failing at them because I have seven kids that are home with me 24-7, and anything added to that is apparently too hard for me to manage, so I give up and feel even worse–so defeated. Kids are expensive – and so is life! I’m a capitalist at heart. When something special is just given to me, I appreciate it but it does feel less valuable because I haven’t invested in it myself. Your email address will not be published. Am I entitled to spousal support? Returning to the first line each time I reached the end of it. Even working spouses. Choosing to live on my husband’s salary — he’s the breadwinner — while I started my freelance business has been challenging. Most of us have little to no income. My husband saved more than half of that amount. ... Now I've become my husband's financial … “How?” you might ask. I'm still uncomfortable with being financially dependent on my spouse. Your email address will not be published. Probably. It doesn’t sound like it, but I believe strongly in what I am doing. Now I've become my husband's financial burden. It’s not that I’ve ever dreamed of being wealthy—having enough to enjoy simple pleasures was always enough for me. That way, I didn’t have to stick my hand out and get help from other people. Hi, I'm Jewels. “Her husband keeps all the financial … I’m referring to months of saving and then truly experiencing the payoff. Despite earning six-figures, I couldn’t pay for our bills by myself. Sometimes it feels that way, but then it’s important for me to remember that nothing good ever comes from being anti-man just because you’re pro-woman. Financial abuse is something that we rarely discuss openly since it is often insidious and wrapped up in the confines of what appears to be otherwise, a normal relationship. I, personally, have not done an excellent job at either of those chores. He provided the paychecks so I could stay at home with our children. I’ve always connected my worth to my financial independence. I have got to finish school, and with the job market as it is, I'm not going to be able to find a job that pays enough to live on AND go to school full-time at the same time. “I found out in December 2015 that my oldest daughter and my husband were messing around behind my … I have plenty of friends who are teachers and social workers. There are many systemic reasons for this problem. You have plenty of time to search for the things you love and make money doing them! All partners should talk openly about money. Terms of Service, I’m Financially Dependent On My Partner And It Sucks, You Know You’re In An Almost Relationship If You’re Sending Him These Texts, 12 Reasons You’re Single Even Though You’re A Catch, 14 Little Things That Look Like Love But Are Actually Manipulation, “Duty Dating” Is A Thing And You Need To Start Doing It ASAP, I Didn’t Understand Why I Kept Ending Up With Toxic Guys Until I Realized These Important Things, What’s Your Hottest Quality? They Control All Your Income. How many women can support their lifestyles on their own? Wouldn’t you? I’m lucky to live without any financial needs, and I wouldn’t trade in this relationship for more money. Sit down, give the … What makes it worse is that I tend to be quite driven, and my husband is pretty passionless in his career pursuits and small-minded in his vision of the future. Most women who quit their jobs probably haven’t spent twelve years earning and saving as much as I did. It should mean that both partners believe in the importance of one parent staying home. As a teenager, I was told to pursue my passions while my male classmates were told to increase their profits. Who am I kidding? The working woman already has a job, a career, a trajectory, and a means to make more money. Money gives you freedom of choice and power. Audrey Bea Could you pay all of your bills and maintain your current standard of living without help from anyone else? They say money isn’t everything but it kind of is. You immediately connect with an awesome coach on text or over the phone in minutes. I’m a capitalist at heart. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is the truth. Why do different genders receive such different messages? My husband and I were separated the last 11 months of the year and our two minor children lived with me for a greater part of the year than they lived with my husband. We are both 100% dependent on each other. Few would have the opportunity to do so. Do men naturally gravitate to these occupations, or are they programmed from a young age to earn more money? You may not earn as much as your spouse, but you should still be 100% vested in the outcome of your partner’s paychecks. There can be lots of reasons why one spouse is financially dependent on the other, they may have given up work to care for the children or be unable to work due to illness, or it may just be that their spouse earns a high income and it was agreed that the other did not have to work. I amassed those large sums of money long before I conceived my first child. I too want to leave a bad realationship but i am financially dependent on my husband, have a small baby, abroad so isloated from family. I don’t know how old you are or how old your kids are, but if they are young it does get better as they get bigger. Shirley says. Even though I have no financial worries, I still face lots of shame. Every three months, canvassers from the Single Parents Food Bank come to our door, asking for donations. Of course, it does. With money comes power, and since my boyfriend earns most of the money, I feel like I need to acquiesce to his preferences since, let’s face it, he’s got more money. At the time, I didn't know much about financial abuse—when one partner controls the other through money. I think that you should keep dreaming big dreams. If your partner disappeared from the face of this Earth and took that bi-weekly paycheck along for the ride, could you still pay for your housing, utilities, food, vacations, and credit card bills, or would your lifestyle have to change? It’s hard not to contribute financially and it sucks that as human beings we tie our value and worth to how much money we make. On being financially dependent on my husband As inspired by one of our featured SAHM stories, I asked the question on my Instagram stories: “What are your thoughts on being financially dependent on your husband or partner?” It is a topic that I feel is widely relevant to stay-at-home moms. I like to consider myself a strong and independent woman—don’t we all? There is no reason you cannot step into a career later in life. (For the record, there are also a lot of men in that same bucket. I feel ashamed to make less than a man. In 2011 I left my high-paying job to become a stay-at-home mom. My husband is not the father of my two adult girls. Also, remember that life is long. Ask to be connected with other women who were financially dependent, who rebuilt their lives. Audrey Bea uses her life-changing but difficult experiences with anorexia and depression as the catalyst and inspiration for her work. Most stay-at-home parents are aware of this problem. Just click here…. It feels okay because we have a ridiculously large safety net. I should point out that there is nothing wrong with mutual financial dependence. I never felt bad for being dependent on my husband, but I did feel guilty for giving up my income. If you are developing a podcast than you must have a little time available too. It serves as the backdrop for the words that follow. I am very independent and will make sure to be able to afford anything I want. I used to think that it must be so easy to sit back and let other people pay your way but, to be honest, it’s really difficult. Even fewer are married to a man who did the same. It’s never been appealing to anyone. Technically my husband could hire someone to watch our children and take care of our home, but I can’t hire someone to earn money for me. Well, at least hopefully it will be. It’s not fair for women to start behind the eight ball. You don’t want to pause your career until you feel confident about your finances. What's more, financial abuse is often the first sign of dating violence and domestic abuse. I work hard, so should you!” What I never realized is that these people who received financial help actually needed it. 1. To level the playing ground, we need to introduce young women to STEM and show them how to solve complex problems. I love being gifted pretty things—or practical things, for that matter. There is no doubt that my earnings capacity has temporarily diminished as my years outside of the workforce grow. Your story is quite similar to mine in many aspects. Filed Under: Family Finances, Financial Frustrations. It’s certainly cheaper for two people to maintain a household than it is for two people to maintain separate residences. If my husband and I divorced, I would’ve walked away with half a million dollars. Send me an e-mail or visit my website holtcpafirm.com.. I’m sounding off in this article so men listen up! The total value was over $300,000 on the day I rolled it into my IRA. Receiving isn’t my strong point. There are also a huge number of perks. Hi. I’ve worked ever since I was 16, I paid my way through college and graduate school, I bought every car I’ve ever owned. That includes families where both parents work, but I think it is even more important in situations with a stay-at-home parent. 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